Tips from a Coparenting Counselor: Rethinking Holiday Visitation Custody Schedules
The holidays can be a uniquely challenging time for families who are adjusting to life after divorce. Now that you and your co-parent are working from separate households, holidays often mean balancing your own expectations, your extended family’s traditions, and your children’s needs. Having a set holiday schedule, typically outlined in the divorce decree, can provide a sense of structure that’s important for everyone involved. But here’s the thing: a schedule is just a piece of paper. Real life and family dynamics are more complex, and maintaining a healthy co-parenting relationship sometimes means rethinking the standard approach. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the holidays with grace and flexibility:
1) Decide if Splitting a Holiday Works for Your Family
There are many ways to handle holidays, and each family’s solution will look different. Most standard visitation schedules alternate holidays yearly, with one parent getting Thanksgiving one year and Christmas the next. Sometimes the actual day is split, with children switching homes halfway through. While this approach is common, it’s not always ideal. Many children have a hard time transitioning between households, especially on emotionally heightened days. If possible, consider allowing the children to spend the entire holiday with one parent. In our family, we’ve chosen to have our kids with their dad for Thanksgiving, where they enjoy time with his extended family, while Christmas morning has become our tradition together. Ultimately, we found an arrangement that brings our children comfort and stability.
2) Avoid Disruptions by Not Splitting the Holiday
Keeping the holiday with one parent also makes travel easier. Rather than splitting a holiday week in half, it allows the children to travel freely and spend extended time with family, whether it’s a trip out of town or simply a day with grandparents. Travel is a wonderful opportunity to create new memories, which is even more meaningful after a divorce. Of course, if your children don’t mind the transition or there are practical reasons for splitting the holiday, go with what works for you. Remember, you and your co-parent know your children best, so feel empowered to decide what will serve them well.
3) Don’t Forget Mother’s and Father’s Day
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day may not be on everyone’s radar when arranging holiday schedules, but these days are important for children to spend with the parent they’re celebrating. In addition, you might consider helping your child make a card or pick out a small gift for their other parent. Some families even choose to acknowledge step-parents in these gestures. One friend of mine, whose co-parent remarried, always makes sure her child has a gift for his “bonus mom” on Mother’s Day, knowing that it’s meaningful for him to honor both of his mother figures. These simple acts show appreciation and help children develop positive relationships with all the important adults in their lives.
4) Don’t Overlook Monday Holidays
It’s easy to forget about holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, or Presidents Day when planning, but these extra days off can be a great way to extend family time. If possible, work out a rotation where each parent gets one of these Monday holidays each year. For instance, mom could get Memorial Day on odd years, while dad takes Labor Day. For less predictable holidays, like weather days or school closures, having a plan on paper is still helpful. If a conflict arises, a basic agreement can provide guidance without unnecessary tension.
5) Embrace Flexibility
Life is full of surprises – job changes, illness, new family dynamics – and sometimes the best way to support your children is to stay flexible. Children benefit from seeing that their parents can adapt to changes gracefully, even when things don’t go as planned. Demonstrating flexibility in your holiday arrangements teaches your children to roll with life’s ups and downs without undue stress. For example, if a grandparent falls ill or a special family event comes up, be open to adjusting the schedule if it serves the kids’ best interests. Showing them that relationships are about understanding and compromise is a lesson they’ll carry with them.
6) Prioritize Your Children’s Experience
The holidays are about creating joy and warmth, especially for your children. Rather than focusing on how you’ll divide time, think about what will make the holiday season most memorable for them. Talk to your kids about what they love most about the holidays, whether it’s baking cookies, decorating the tree, or spending time with extended family. When kids are invited to share their preferences, they often feel more included in the arrangements. Remember, it’s not about perfection; it’s about connection.
7) Set Clear Expectations Early
Establishing a plan ahead of time can reduce anxiety for everyone involved. Children find comfort in knowing what to expect, so discuss the schedule well in advance and give them the details in a calm, reassuring way. If you and your co-parent struggle to agree on the arrangements, consider working with a mediator or counselor to find common ground. When you plan early, you can avoid last-minute changes and help your kids enjoy the season without added stress.
8) Find Opportunities for New Traditions
Holidays may look different after divorce, but they can still be special. Think about new ways to celebrate as a family, whether it’s creating a holiday movie night, taking a day trip, or finding a quiet time to reflect on the year together. Building new traditions doesn’t erase the past; it simply allows you and your kids to shape the future in a way that’s meaningful for everyone. Sometimes these new traditions become the highlights that children remember most fondly.
Co-parenting during the holidays isn’t always easy, but with a little patience, flexibility, and intention, you can make this season meaningful and joyous. You’re building memories, strengthening bonds, and showing your children that while things may have changed, love and family are constants they can always count on.
Interested in Talking to a Coparenting Counselor in Birmingham, AL?
If you are frustrated in your co-parenting relationship and not sure how to move forward, co-parenting counseling with me can help! At Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL we want to meet you and help you navigate this process. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.
Be matched with a caring, experienced coparenting counselor.
Begin your coparenting journey with support.
If you enjoyed this blog you might enjoy my other blogs on coparenting!
CoParenting & Holidays: Tips for Success
Coparenting: How to handle drop off/pick ups and schedules
10 Tips for Coparents from a Coparenting Counselor
Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling
At Sparrow Counseling we offer in-person and online therapy in the state of Alabama. In addition to coparenting counseling, our team specializes in reunification therapy, blended family counseling, divorce & family mediation, family therapy, grief, and loss counseling, couples counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!
Sara Dungan, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) and has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL. She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling, and Divorce and Family Mediation. Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce. Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.
