Tips from a Coparenting Counselor: Rethinking Holiday Visitation Custody Schedules (part 2)

Now that you are divorced, holidays are different.  They can already be full of your past expectations, your extended family’s expectations as well as your children.  Having a schedule to go by, helps everyone know what to expect.  This schedule is often figured out and agreed to in the divorce decree.  I believe having this structure set out on a piece of paper can be important, especially in high-conflict divorces.  However, as I warn all of my coparents this is just a piece of paper.  There is always work to be done in improving the coparenting relationship, which is where I believe coparenting counseling can help.  Here are a few tips about working with your standard visitation schedule

 1) Splitting a holiday or not?

I have seen families do a lot of different things for the holidays.  The standard visitation schedule is usually one parent will get Thanksgiving in the odd number of years and the other parent will get Christmas that same year.  Christmas Day can also be split as can Thanksgiving with a pick-up at 3 pm.  The splitting of a holiday has to be carefully thought through.  I prefer kids to spend one holiday with one parent without splitting the day up.  Many children of divorce have a difficult time transitioning between mom and dad and cutting down on these transitions, especially during the holidays when emotions and expectations can be high for everyone, maybe simpler.  In our family, it has been our decision to let our children mostly go with my coparent on Thanksgiving because they enjoy their time so much with his family. They are also usually with me on Christmas morning, simply because that is what they are used to and enjoy.  New Christmas traditions with their Dad were created, so they get to spend meaningful time with both parents. So even though the divorce decree said something different, we found what worked for us.

2) Traveling is easier if you do not split the holiday up

By not splitting the day it also allows kids to travel with their parents for an entire week instead of just half of the week.  I believe travel with parents is important, even if it is just a small trip somewhere.  You have a chance to create new memories as well as learn new things about the world and each other.  This may not be an entire week.  This may just mean when kids go to grandma’s house, it can be disruptive to the whole family for the children to have to leave at 3 pm.  I think it is fairer for the children and extended family to let the kids go for the whole day.  If by chance coparents can agree that picking up during the day is best for the children and children have no issues with transitions, then I am all for it. It is your family, you and your coparent know it better than anyone.

 3) Let’s not forget Mother’s/Father’s Day

This day can often go unnoticed by coparents but it should not.  Of course, children get to spend the day with the parent they are celebrating.  But this is a time when helping your children make a card and/or buying your coparent a small gift to express your appreciation goes a long way in building the coparenting relationship.  I have a friend whose coparent remarried.  She always makes sure to send a gift to her “wife-in-law” from her son, because she knows her son will not remember and it is important to her that her son learns how to express appreciation for the other mother figure in her life.

 4) Monday holidays

Holidays that fall on Mondays like MLK, President’s Day, Memorial Day, or Labor Day are also holidays not to forget when thinking about your visitation schedule. Most likely your children are going to not have school on Memorial Day or Labor Day.  It is my recommendation to split those 2 holidays.  For instance, odd years mom gets Memorial Day, and even years she gets Labor Day.  MLK, Presidents Day, or weather days become a little more difficult because our schools are often changing their minds about these days, but it is always best to have something on paper so if a conflict arises that cannot be solved you have an agreement that you can go to for guidance and guidelines.

5) Be flexible

Finally, as life happens being flexible is important for children.  It is important for them to experience flexibility as well as important for them to learn how to be flexible. Parents have the opportunity to teach flexibility or rigidity. I want my children to learn how to be flexible. Why? Because life changes all the time without warnings. For example, jobs change, a death happens suddenly or grandparents get sick.  New family members (like stepparents come into the family) and with all of these changes it is important that coparents remain flexible and put their children above their own personal agendas or power struggles between themselves.

If you are frustrated in your co-parenting relationship and not sure how to move forward, co-parenting counseling with me can help!   Please email us at hello@sparrowcounsel.com or call us at 205-538-3978.

Sara Dungan, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) and has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL.  She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling, and Divorce and Family Mediation.  Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce.  Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.