CoParenting & Holidays: Tips for success (part 1)

If you are going through a divorce or are divorced than you know how hard coparenting during the holidays can be.  Holidays are the times when we picture happy families, delicious food that we only eat at this time of the year, and intimate gatherings with your favorite people.  If you are separated or divorced, sometimes it does not mean this.  Loss is the word that keeps coming to my mind.  The loss of what was, the loss of what could have been, the loss of this upcoming holiday with your family ALL together.  I remember when I was in this place, it felt like happy families were everywhere, taunting me and reminding me that I was a failure and I can’t have what they have.  

You may say to yourself, “This sucks!  It isn’t fair?  Why do the kids have to suffer?  Heck, why do I have to suffer?” However, it is at these times of our greatest pain and loss that our kids watch us and learn how to deal with their OWN loss and grief.  No child will go through life without pain, so use this time to show them how to feel grief and still keep moving.  There is no perfect way to grieve.  It is messy, awkward and hard.  Here are a few tips to help you through the holiday:

1) Acknowledge that the coparenting journey is difficult. 

By acknowledging this holiday season is hard, gives you permission to grieve and maybe say “NO!” to things you have done in the past.  By putting on a brave face and not acknowledging this difficult journey, sends a message to your kids that it is not OK to pause…. and walk slower…. when things change and hurt.  There is a fine line between staying busy and wanting to completely shut down, because of your divorce. Don’t fill your family’s calendar with so many events that the family never really feels the loss of one parent missing during their holidays.  And don’t stop celebrating things either. Find a balance between these two and that is the sweet spot.  But remember- you are after progress, not perfection.

2) Acknowledge that one parent is missing.

Address the elephant in the room with the kids and give them permission to miss having mom’s cookies on Christmas morning or watching Dad fight with the Christmas tree to get it hung just right.  One parent is now gone and kids need a safe place to grieve the loss of that person. You and your coparent will always be THEIR family – separated or divorced.    One of the best Christmas presents you can give your children is to share positive memories about your coparent.  This gives them permission to love both parents and miss both of you, which can be very healing for your children.

3) Focus on having GRIT and resilience

The research says that to be “gritty” you need to have a sense of purpose and the ability to follow-thru.  As a parent, this is HUGE!  Modeling for your kids how to search for your own sense of purpose and then actually following through can demonstrate to them how to search AND stick with things.  Again, your kids are watching how resilient you are.  Can you do things that are “hard” when you don’t feel like doing them?  Can you press in and finish a project when it feels totally overwhelming? Sharing some of those feelings with your kids can be helpful as they watch you struggle and then overcome.

4) Figure out your holiday visitation schedule in advance

I like to know how I am spending my Thanksgiving and Christmas, don’t you?  Guess what? Your kids do too!  It is important to be able to have this figured out far in advance, so you can give the kids -the plan.  Otherwise, our kids become anxious and for good reason.  If you are afraid of sitting down at the table with your coparent and figuring this out, find a mediator or therapist to help.  Most divorce decrees are pretty clear.  But life happens.  Jobs change.  Grandparents get sick and sometimes it is better for our kids to do something different than what the divorce decree says.  Of course, you both would have to agree to this, and I hope you have this discussion sooner rather than later.  Avoiding the topic does not help you or your children. 

5) Splitting the holiday vs alternating the holiday visitation schedule

I have seen parents do all kinds of things with holidays. One problem, though, I often see is parents putting how THEY want to celebrate the holidays over what the children want.  I love to see a coparent compromise and start new traditions like having Christmas morning on Dec 20th instead of Dec 25th, and not be so tied to a day or time to celebrate. I believe children should have a voice, and parents should be parents and make the final decisions.  But if Johnny loves staying with Dad the entire day of Christmas and not changing at 3pm, because it interrupts his playtime with his new toys, I believe Johnny should be considered.  Holidays are tricky, and I have spent a few alone, so that my children could do what my coparent and I believed was best for our children.  Was it easy? No.  But as parents, we are called to do the harder things.

6) Create memories, not chaos

When you ask kids what they remember about the holidays it is usually tastes, smells, activities and memories created as a family.  For example, baking cookies together or watching Elf as a family.  Rarely, is it about all the presents they received.  Create memories with your kids.  Sit down around the table on November 1 (or whenever) and ask your kids how they want to celebrate the holidays and what special things they would like to do.  Sometimes they will surprise you and you will learn their favorite memory or activity does not require that much from you and you can actually pull that off this year!

7) Consider helping your children find a gift for your coparent

I know for some this feels unreasonable and unattainable.  I understand for a few years after the divorce you may not be there.  But it is my hope, for your kid’s sake (and for yours), that you get to the place that buying your coparent a Christmas, birthday or Father’s/Mother’s Day gift may actually become a reality.  Again, you are modeling for your children how to do difficult relationships.  Of course, it is challenging at times to think of buying a gift for your coparent and send it with the kids.  But kids do love to give as well as receive.  When they don’t have the money or the ability to buy gifts for the other parent, it is best to help them.  Of course, this gift is given without any conditional strings like “I sent a gift two years in a row and then I stopped because I never got a gift from my coparent”.  This is a gift for your children.  Not for your coparent.  Do it for them and I bet you can do it.

If you need help learning how to better navigate your divorce with the holidays, email us at hello@sparrowcounsel.com or call us at 205-538-3978 for a free 15-minute consultation, or consider sharing this blog with friends that may need it. Sara is located in Birmingham, AL.

Sara Hadgraft, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL.  She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling, and Divorce and Family Mediation.  Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce.  Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.