Reframing the Conversation Around Sexual Desire in Relationships
As therapists, we often hear couples say, “I have a high sex drive, and they have a low sex drive. What do we do about this?” It’s a common concern, but the way it’s framed can be misleading. The terms “high” and “low” libido oversimplify something that is actually much more nuanced and dynamic.
Sexual desire isn’t fixed—it fluctuates over time and is influenced by a variety of factors. Instead of thinking in terms of high versus low libido, we encourage couples to consider sexual desire discrepancy, which acknowledges that differences in desire are normal and ever-changing.
What Impacts Sexual Desire?
Many factors contribute to where each partner falls on the spectrum of desire at any given time. It’s important to recognize that shifts in libido are often situational rather than a permanent characteristic of a person.
Major life transitions – A move, a career change, becoming parents, or experiencing loss can all shift desire. These changes don’t mean someone has a “low” libido—they reflect the natural impact of life stressors.
Context-specific factors – Emotional connection, feeling safe, and even day-to-day stress levels can influence a person’s interest in intimacy.
Personal differences – Each partner brings unique experiences, emotional needs, and ways of experiencing desire into the relationship.
When couples reduce these differences to simply having a high or low sex drive, they miss the bigger picture—desire is about connection, context, and individual experience.
Understanding Spontaneous vs. Reactive Desire
One key distinction in how people experience sexual desire is the difference between spontaneous and reactive desire:
Spontaneous desire occurs naturally and without external prompting. A person might suddenly feel in the mood without any particular reason.
Reactive desire requires more of a warm-up. This may mean needing emotional closeness, physical affection, or certain environmental cues before feeling desire.
Neither type is better than the other. They’re simply different ways of experiencing attraction and intimacy. And just as importantly, these experiences can change over time. Someone who has always had spontaneous desire may, after a stressful season, find they need more intentional connection. Likewise, someone who has typically experienced reactive desire may go through a period of spontaneous attraction.
Moving Beyond the High vs. Low Mentality
One of the biggest issues with labeling libido as high or low is that it often creates a sense of judgment or hierarchy. In our society, a high libido is frequently seen as “good,” while a low libido is viewed as “bad” or something that needs to be fixed. This framing can lead to unnecessary guilt, frustration, and resentment in relationships.
Instead, we encourage couples to see sexual desire as a fluid, evolving part of their relationship. Differences in libido don’t mean something is wrong—they’re a natural aspect of being in a relationship with another complex human being. When couples approach desire differences with curiosity rather than frustration, it creates space for deeper connection and understanding.
What Can Couples Do?
If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatch in sexual desire, consider shifting the conversation toward mutual understanding:
Explore each other’s turn-ons and turn-offs – What makes each of you feel connected and desired? Understanding these factors can be just as important as libido itself.
Communicate openly and without blame – Instead of viewing differences as a problem, approach them as an opportunity for connection. Questions like, “What helps you feel close to me?” or “How can we prioritize intimacy in a way that feels good for both of us?” are much more productive than “Why don’t you want sex as much as I do?”
Recognize that desire ebbs and flows – Sexual desire is not static. It changes over time, just as relationships do. What feels mismatched now may naturally shift with time and intentional effort.
Sexual desire discrepancy isn’t a sign of dysfunction—it’s a natural part of relationships. By shifting the way we talk about it, couples can move toward deeper connection rather than conflict.
So rather than framing libido as high versus low, we encourage couples to step back and ask: What’s really going on here? The answer is often much more complex, dynamic, and full of potential than it may seem at first glance.
Interested in Talking to a Sex Therapist in Birmingham, AL?
If you and your partner are struggling with differences in sexual desire, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to navigate it alone either. At Sparrow Counseling, we help couples explore these conversations with curiosity, compassion, and practical strategies to build deeper connection.
Whether you're feeling stuck, disconnected, or simply want to strengthen your relationship, our team is here to support you. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.
Be matched with a caring, experienced sex therapist.
Take the first step toward greater understanding and intimacy.
