Making a Bid for Connection: Strengthening Your Relationship One Small Moment at a Time
Have you ever reached out to your partner—maybe with a joke, a gentle touch, or a simple question—only to feel ignored or brushed off? Or maybe your partner does this to you, and you don’t even realize it. These small moments may seem insignificant, but they hold the power to either strengthen or weaken your relationship over time.
In their decades of research on relationships, Drs. John and Julie Gottman found that one of the key ways couples build emotional intimacy is through something called bids for connection. Understanding and responding to these bids can dramatically improve the health of your relationship.
What is a Bid for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt—big or small—to reach out to your partner for attention, affection, affirmation, or support. It’s your partner’s way of saying, “Hey, I want to connect with you.”
Bids can take many forms:
Verbal – “Hey, look at this funny meme!” or “How was your day?”
Nonverbal – A smile, a wink, or a gentle touch on the arm
Playful – An inside joke or a silly text message
Physical – Holding hands, leaning in for a hug, or sitting close on the couch
Requests for Help – “Can you help me with this?” or “What do you think about this decision?”
Often, bids for connection are subtle. They aren’t always direct statements like, “I need your attention right now.” Instead, they can be casual, even fleeting. But they are powerful.
Why Bids Matter in Relationships
When one partner makes a bid, the other has three choices:
Turn toward – Responding positively and engaging in the connection.
Turn away – Ignoring or dismissing the bid, often unintentionally.
Turn against – Responding with irritation, criticism, or rejection.
Couples who regularly turn toward each other in these small moments build stronger, more resilient relationships. Gottman’s research found that couples who stay together turn toward each other 86% of the time, while those who later divorce only do so 33% of the time.
Every time you acknowledge a bid, you are strengthening the emotional foundation of your relationship.
How to Recognize & Respond to Your Partner’s Bids
Tip #1: Pay Attention to the Small Moments
Bids are often subtle, so it’s easy to miss them—especially when we’re distracted by work, kids, or screens. If your partner sighs and says, “Wow, today was exhausting,” that’s not just a statement—it’s a bid for support and connection.
How to respond:
Instead of brushing it off, ask, “Oh no, what made it so tough?”
If they show you something they find interesting, engage with it—even for a moment.
Small acknowledgments go a long way in making your partner feel seen and valued.
Tip #2: Be Mindful of How You React
Not every bid will come at the perfect time. Maybe your partner cracks a joke while you’re deep in thought, or they reach for a hug when you’re rushing to finish something.
Even if you can’t engage fully in the moment, try to acknowledge their bid instead of shutting it down.
How to respond:
“I love that you want to connect—can I give you my full attention in 10 minutes?”
If your partner touches your arm, lean into it rather than pulling away absentmindedly.
Turning toward your partner doesn’t mean dropping everything instantly—it just means acknowledging their bid and making space for connection.
Tip #3: Make Your Own Bids More Intentional
If you feel disconnected in your relationship, try making more bids for connection throughout the day.
Ways to make a bid:
Send a thoughtful text during the day (“Hope you’re having a great day! Can’t wait to see you later.”)
Give a hug before heading out the door in the morning.
Ask a deeper question at dinner (“What’s something good that happened today?”)
Put your phone down and be fully present for even a few minutes.
Making consistent bids tells your partner, “You matter to me.”
Tip #4: Build a Habit of Turning Toward Each Other
Building a habit of connection doesn’t happen overnight—but small, consistent efforts add up.
Practice this daily:
Notice when your partner reaches out (verbally or nonverbally).
Respond positively whenever possible.
Make bids yourself to strengthen your bond.
Over time, this will increase emotional intimacy and create a stronger, more connected partnership.
Every Bid Counts
In relationships, the little things matter the most. A smile, a laugh, a moment of eye contact—these small bids build the foundation of lasting love.
When you make a bid or respond to your partner’s bid, you are choosing connection. You are saying, “I see you. I hear you. You matter to me.”
Interested in Talking to a Couples Counselor in Birmingham, AL?
Ready to strengthen your relationship? If you’re struggling with connection, communication, or emotional intimacy, couples counseling can help. Sparrow Counseling is here to guide you in building a relationship where both partners feel valued and seen. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.
Be matched with a caring, experienced couples counselor.
Begin your couples counseling journey with support.
Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling
At Sparrow Counseling we offer in-person and online therapy in the state of Alabama. In addition to couples counseling, our team specializes in couples intensives, sex therapy, discernment counseling, family therapy, divorce & family mediation, coparenting counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!
