FAQs about marriage counseling and therapy in Birmingham, AL
Is marriage counseling what you need?
Finding couples counseling or couples therapy in Birmingham, AL can be difficult. But you finally had the courage to pick up the phone, and actually found one therapist/ counselor that you feel comfortable talking to. You probably have a lot of questions or are wondering what questions to ask, which is normal. Here are some common questions, counselors often get asked.
Common Questions for Marriage Counselors
How can marriage counseling even help me?
Great question! Let me say this- I believe in the service I provide! I think couples counseling can help you pay attention to your patterns and those same dumb things you find yourselves doing over and over again.
Here’s an example- One partner is anxious and frustrated with the other partner, who has withdrawn into their cave. The anxious, frustrated partner starts nagging, berating, and flooding the other partner with a barrage of questions or body language that clearly communicates their frustration like slamming and banging doors and cabinets. This behavior most likely causes the withdrawn partner to withdraw even more. A counselor can help the anxious partner by pointing out what they are doing and making some simple adjustments- like figuring out ways they can cope with their own anxiety. How can they relax? Because their anxiety is only pushing their other partner deeper into their “withdrawn hole”. Also, they can work on creating a safe, non-judgmental place for the withdrawing partner to come and share how they are feeling. The withdrawing partner needs to understand how difficult this is for the other partner. Their passivity and silence feel like abandonment. The withdrawing partner has their own work to do in soothing themselves so they can have the courage to step back into the harder conversations with their anxious, frustrated partner. Sounds hard, right? A counselor can support you as you both learn how to make these adjustments.
2. How can couples counseling even help us? As a couple, we keep having the same conversations. How is couples counseling going to get us out of the same conversation loops?
Well, a counselor can begin to point out the conversation loop and give a fresh voice on how to maybe change things up. Let's think about the “Where do you want to go for dinner?”. I hear this a lot in my office. Both don't care where they go. They are pulling out of the driveway, “Just pick something.” One person says, “How about ____?” the other person, “No, how about ___?” “I thought you didn't care, now you do.” What if each of you began to take turns picking a place with the idea it cannot be overturned and the other person will get their chance next time. Who knows? You may both find that you actually like the place your partner picked.
3. I can just talk to my mom or my best friend. Why do I need to come to a couples counselor?
Ahhh! Another great question! Because your mom and best friend often have their own filters and feelings about your relationship that cannot be hidden. Only a neutral, trained third party, I believe, can actually look objectively at your relationship and help you both learn how to change the patterns you both have developed.
4. I don't talk about my feelings much. How can you even help me?
Most likely you were never taught the skill of how to talk about your feelings. I believe we often learn how to communicate based on what we see our parents do. If you had a Mom/Dad who didn't share her/his feelings and was passive, then that is what you learned. But there is hope! Old patterns can change as you look in the mirror, gather your courage, and learn to try something new. Who knows you may discover that you actually have a lot of feelings, you just didn’t know how to articulate them.
5. We tried marriage counseling already and it didn't work.
Yep, I have heard this one too. I believe there could be a lot of reasons why counseling “didn’t work” the last time. Like you weren’t ready to do the hard work of looking in the mirror and changing your own patterns, your counselor wasn't a good fit, or the season in your life wasn't a time you could give it the time and energy it deserved.
6. Why do you do weekly couples counseling?
Weekly appointments are so important and we believe they are crucial in our work with our couples. Why? Because we don't want you in therapy forever but, as therapists, it is helpful to go through the highs and lows of your life and relationships. Oftentimes when you come in and say, “We had a good week, we don't know what we are going to talk about?” Those are the times, when we can do the deeper, more transformative work because you are not highly anxious or discussing the crisis of the week. This is where real intimacy builds between you as a couple and with your therapist. And more importantly, the research says weekly appointments will help you get to your goals a lot faster than coming sporadically.
7. Why are your couples therapy sessions so expensive?
We have taken a lot of training, and spent a lot of time, money, and energy on our education, supervision, and more continuing education learning more and more about how to move couples out of their old patterns into new ones. We actually love learning about relationships and how to create rich, deep, intimate relationships. We don't cringe when we look for continuing education in this area, we seek it out because being competent therapists is so important to us. But because of this time, energy, and training we do, we believe our sessions are an investment in your relationship!
8. Do you take insurance for couples counseling?
I believe there should be no stigma in seeking counseling. However, I also believe one reason therapy is so powerful is because it is a truly private experience. I am an out-of-network provider for some insurance plans, and I can provide you with a form for seeking reimbursement from your insurance company. Privacy is very important to us and it is for this reason (and many others) that I decline to be an in-network provider for any insurance company. As an out-of-network provider, we can decide how much, if any, the information you want to be shared with your insurance company. We also take Health Savings Accounts.
9. How long are the couples counseling sessions?
Sessions last 55 minutes. When we are getting close to the end of our time, you will be directed by your therapist to begin wrapping up and finding your takeaways from our time together. At Sparrow Counseling when we are meeting a couple for the first time, we like to do a 2-hour initial session. This helps us have time to introduce ourselves, describe the counseling process and our policies as well as have time to delve into what brought you in for counseling.
10. Can you see me first as an individual and then see us as a couple in counseling?
No, we cannot. One of our counselors can see you individually while another therapist does couples counseling, but the same counselor should not do both. Oftentimes when counselors do try both it leaves one person in the couple feeling that the counselor is not aligned with them. When we do couples counseling we see the couple as our client. When we do individual counseling we see the individual as our client. This can get skewed if we change the order. That’s why I say it is important to “stay in your lane” when it comes to couples and individual counseling. That is not to say that there may be times as a couples counselor we do a few individual sessions to specifically work on something that keeps coming up in our joint sessions that may be better addressed in a few individual sessions but there are no secrets kept from the couple if we do meet individually.
11. What happens if I leave the couples counseling session feeling frustrated and unheard?
Well, maybe the therapist did a good job challenging you. Or maybe your therapist really didn't hear you. Whatever the issue, it is my hope and belief that what I think counseling can do if nothing else is to teach you how to step into uncomfortable conversations and how to give and receive feedback, meaning talk to your therapist about your feelings. If you can’t give feedback to your therapist about how they made you feel or don't feel heard then it may be time to look for another therapist. I would caution you that feeling heard and agreeing with you are two different things.
I hope this helps you find the right therapist in Birmingham, AL. If you are still feeling stuck, feel free to call us at Sparrow Counseling (205) 538-3978 or email us at hello@sparrowcounsel.com for a free 15-minute phone consultation. We’d be happy to hear about what is happening and help direct you to the right therapist for you.
