If you’re going through a divorce or are already divorced, then you know how challenging co-parenting during the holidays can be. Holidays are supposed to be joyful – filled with family, favorite foods, and warm gatherings with our loved ones. But for those of us who are separated or divorced, the season can feel starkly different. “Loss” is the word that comes to mind – the loss of what was, the loss of what could have been, and the loss of spending another holiday with the family all together. I remember how, when I was in this place, it seemed like happy families were everywhere, silently reminding me of what I didn’t have.

You may catch yourself thinking, “This is so unfair! Why do the kids have to suffer? Why do I have to suffer?” And the frustration is real. But remember, it’s during these times of pain that our children watch us and learn how to handle their own struggles. They’ll face their own grief one day, so you have a chance to model resilience for them. There is no perfect way to grieve; it’s messy, awkward, and hard. Here are a few tips to help you and your children move through the holidays together.

1) Acknowledge that the co-parenting journey is difficult. 

Recognizing that this holiday season is challenging gives you permission to grieve and maybe say “No” to things you’ve done in the past. Putting on a brave face all the time sends a message to your kids that it’s not okay to slow down when things change and hurt. There’s a balance between staying busy and completely shutting down due to the divorce. Try not to fill your family’s calendar so much that you never really feel the absence of the other parent. But don’t stop celebrating either. Finding that balance may be tricky, but you’re after progress, not perfection.

2) Acknowledge that one parent is missing.

It’s okay to address the elephant in the room. Acknowledge with your kids that things are different this year and give them permission to miss the other parent’s traditions, like mom’s cookies on Christmas morning or dad’s “battle” with the Christmas lights. Children need a safe space to express their feelings about these changes. A simple gesture, like sharing a positive memory about your co-parent, can make a big difference. This allows your children to love both parents openly, even in their absence. It’s one of the best gifts you can give them. 

3) Focus on building GRIT and resilience.

Research shows that resilience, or “grit,” comes from having a sense of purpose and following through. As a parent, modeling resilience is a huge gift. When you show your children how to keep going even when things feel hard or overwhelming, you’re teaching them an invaluable skill. Share some of your struggles with them in an age-appropriate way – maybe how you’re finishing up a big project even though it’s tough. Letting them see you face challenges head-on helps them learn to do the same.

4) Plan your holiday visitation schedule in advance.

I’m a big believer in planning, and I’m sure you are too. Kids feel more secure when they know what to expect, so work out your holiday schedule with your co-parent well in advance. If you’re having a hard time agreeing, consider sitting down with a mediator or therapist. Most divorce decrees are clear, but life happens. Job demands, changing family dynamics, or health issues can mean schedules need flexibility. Talking about this early on helps reduce anxiety for everyone.

5) Be open to new holiday traditions.

I’ve seen parents do all kinds of creative things with holiday schedules. One thing to watch out for is putting your own holiday preferences above the kids’ needs. If your child loves staying with one parent the entire day and not switching at 3 p.m., consider honoring that. It’s worth exploring flexible ways to celebrate, like having “Christmas morning” on December 20th if it means less disruption. I’ve even spent holidays alone so my kids could be where they felt happiest. It’s not always easy, but we’re called to do the hard things for their sake.

6) Create memories, not chaos.

Ask any child what they remember most about the holidays, and it’s usually the sensory experiences – the smell of cookies, the sound of a favorite movie, the feeling of family traditions. When planning holiday activities, focus on creating meaningful moments instead of just piling on more events. Sit down as a family and ask what’s important to them. You may be surprised to find that their favorite activities are simple and doable, like baking or a movie night. Creating intentional memories makes the holidays more memorable without the stress. 

7) Consider helping your children find a gift for your co-parent.

For some, this may feel far from possible, and that’s okay. But if you can, consider helping your kids find a small gift for their other parent. This simple act isn’t about the gift itself; it’s about modeling kindness and resilience. It allows your children to experience the joy of giving and feel connected to both parents. And remember, this gift is for your kids, not your co-parent. It’s an opportunity for them to express their love freely, no strings attached.

8) Keep consistent routines where possible.

Holidays can easily throw off routines, and while some flexibility is good, try to keep certain patterns stable. Children feel more grounded when familiar routines like bedtimes, meals, or daily habits stay intact, even in the midst of holiday excitement. When they know what to expect, kids feel more secure and are better able to enjoy the moment. These little anchors of consistency are powerful in creating a sense of safety and continuity.

9) Practice gratitude together.

This holiday season, practicing gratitude as a family can be healing. It helps shift focus from what’s missing to what you still have. Whether it’s a quick chat around the dinner table, journaling together, or creating a “gratitude jar,” this practice gives everyone a chance to reflect on what they’re thankful for. Children learn that even in times of change, there are things to appreciate. This focus on gratitude can help them create new holiday memories, even if the family looks different this year.

Co-parenting during the holidays can be one of the most challenging parts of divorce. But by embracing these strategies, you can create a holiday season filled with intention, love, and resilience. Remember, you’re showing your kids that life isn’t always easy, but it can still be meaningful and joyous. And in this season of change, you’re building a foundation of love and strength that will last long beyond the holidays.

Interested in Talking to a Coparenting Counselor in Birmingham, AL?

If you need help learning how to better navigate your divorce with the holidays and are not sure how to move forward, co-parenting counseling with Sara Hadgraft can help! At Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL we want to meet you and help you navigate this process. To get started follow these three simple steps:

1. Reach out to Sparrow Counseling for a free 15-minute consultation.

2. Be matched with a caring, experienced coparenting counselor.

3. Begin your coparenting journey with support.

If you enjoyed this blog you might enjoy my other blogs on coparenting!  

Communicating with your coparent

Talking to your children about divorce

What is Co-Parenting and what isn't it?

Other Services Offered at Sparrow Counseling

At Sparrow Counseling we offer in-person and online therapy in the state of Alabama. In addition to coparenting counseling, our team specializes in reunification therapy, blended family counseling, divorce & family mediation, family therapy, grief, and loss counseling, couples counseling, and more in Birmingham, Alabama. Learn more by checking out our FAQs and Blog!

Sara Hadgraft, the owner of Sparrow Counseling, is an M.Ed, LMFT, LPC, NCC, Certified Parenting Coordinator, Divorce and Family Mediator (Domestic Violence Trained) has a private practice called Sparrow Counseling in Birmingham, AL.  She specializes in Parenting Coordination, Co-Parenting Counseling, and Divorce and Family Mediation.  Her passion is helping parents learn how to become successful coparents, so their children can thrive after their divorce.  Contact Sparrow Counseling if you are interested in getting help at hello@sparrowcounsel.com.